National Infertility Awareness Week

This past week (April 24-May 1) was National Infertility Awareness Week. I always get a little teary eyed just thinking about it. I know many of you are going through, or have gone through the struggle of infertility. For many of us who have been there, the feelings of infertility are still very near to the surface. They seem to not go away with time. When I was in a support group the leader said that after she had her daughter she still felt like basically her brain was infertile because she never forgot the struggle. I never miss a day to thank Heavenly Father for my Stella. We are going to try later on this year for another sweet bundle, but we are not promised another one. I am just grateful to be blessed with one, but of course we hope for more. Anyway when we were going through it, a lot of people tried to console us. They were so kind hearted, but the majority of what was said was not the best thing to say to an infertile person, so because of that I wanted to post this list that I found: (http://barrenness.typepad.com/barrenness/2007/01/what_to_say_to_.html)

What not to say to someone dealing with infertility:
1. "You just need to relax," or "Take a vacation."
This is probably the most frequent "advice" given to a friend, daughter or sister who says she's having trouble getting pregnant, but it's a falsehood. Infertility, even unexplained infertility, is a medical condition. Just like a lump in the breast, it will not go away on its own by trying to ignore it. A romantic getaway to Hawaii will not improve a husband's sperm count. A relaxing massage will not heal endometrial scar tissue in a uterus or fallopian tubes. Trying not to think about getting pregnant will not miraculously restore a hormone imbalance. By learning about how her body is supposed to work, charting cycles and/or seeing an OB/GYN or reproductive endocrinologist, a woman can diagnose the cause of the infertility and get treatment for it. This is much more useful in overcoming infertility than attempting to ignore it.

2. "Don't worry. It'll happen."
This is almost the same as #1, but with the added bonus of trying to reassure the woman that she will achieve pregnancy someday. But the sad truth is that it might NOT happen. There's no such promise or guarantee, and the woman already knows that.

3. "Have you considered adopting?" (May or may not be coupled with "There are a lot of children out there who need good homes.")
If a woman confides in you that she is struggling with infertility, trust me that she has already considered ALL options available, including adoption. If she doesn't say explicitly that she's considering it, then she has probably already ruled it out as an option for her personally - at least for now. She doesn't need you to point out all the options available to her.
As for suggesting she adopt because there are lots of kids out there who need good homes, consider for a moment whether or not you yourself have considered adoption or whether you prefer to have children of your own. Infertile women resent the suggestion that because they may not have the option of having biological children, that the responsibility for finding homes for orphans should fall on them.

4. "As soon as [insert couple's names here] adopted, they got pregnant."
First, consider how many adoptive parents out there HAVEN'T gotten pregnant on their own. Again there's no guarantee that anything will help someone get pregnant.
Second, what you are suggesting is that adoption should be used as a means to achieve the end of having one's own biological children. How fair is that to the adopted child? Shouldn't adoption be a means for creating a family, to the benefit of the adoptee(s) as well as the adoptive parents?

5. "God has another plan for you."
This is a really tough one, because you're likely trying to be reassuring. A woman who is confiding in you because she is STRUGGLING with infertility obviously really WANTS to have a child of her own. She doesn't want to hear that her desire isn't a valid one or she somehow doesn't deserve to have her desires and dreams fulfilled. That's not very reassuring.

6. "This is God's way of saying you're not supposed to be a parent."
Congratulations, you've just insulted the friend or daughter who's come to you for help. (Yes, people who think they're trying to be helpful really say this with shocking frequency.) Do not EVER say this to a woman who's confiding in you about her infertility, or be prepared to defend yourself against a punch in the nose.

I’m adding on #7. "Oh but you’re so young! You have PLENTY of time!" Just because a woman is young does not mean that her desire to be a mother is not valid.

I'm also adding #8. "You can have my kids!" Oh really?! When can I start?!"

What SHOULD you say to a woman struggling with infertility?
1. "I'm so sorry you're going through this."

2. "I'm here for you whenever you need to talk about it. Let me know if you want me to ever check on how you're doing and bring it up, or if you would rather bring it up yourself."
Your friend wants to know that she can turn to you, but there will be bad days when you might catch her off-guard and she won't want to talk about it.

4. "What can I do for you?"
Your friend might just want to know whether or not she can talk to you when she's feeling frustrated or when she learns anything new about her condition. She may even need your help to drive her to or from appointments.

I’m adding #8~ Say nothing. Nod. Then hug them and tell them you are here if they ever need you. Sometimes when someone vents to you, it does not mean they want your advice.

You know I love hymns, so I’m just going to end with this,
“ Where, when my aching grows, where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? He, only One.”
(“Where Can I Turn For Peace?” Hymns, no. 129)